I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
