I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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