I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
