Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
