I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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