Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
It's blow job season.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize