He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
