this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
