I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
