The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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