Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
