Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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