we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
