I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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