How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
