Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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