wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Randomize
