mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
