last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize