I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
