Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
