508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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