Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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