Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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