Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I supernannyed him into submission
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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