our cab driver is having phone sex.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize