I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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