Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
