My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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