Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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