Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I want to fling myself into the sun
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
