Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
