are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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