You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
