I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize