im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
