do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize