My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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