You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
