It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize