Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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