Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize