oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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