I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
