i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
