I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
