wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
