Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
