just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
