note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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