I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
