Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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