Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
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