So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize