I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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