you guys were way drunker than both of me
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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