Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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