Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
