Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Randomize
