There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
