P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
