It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
