I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
