I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
