honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
