dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
