I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
