Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Randomize
