She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
