my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
