Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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