I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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