I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
